Blog and Writings

The Stage and Me

I close my eyes, darkness brings light,
its a single fleeting moment, I'm on stage, no fright
ears absorb the applause, Oh! the applause
for that I yearn everyday, for what is, what it was.

The deep red color on my fingers smudge,
the heat of the lights is warm on my skin,
the smell of make up melting with sweat,
I'm short of breath, my palms are so wet

Instruments and singers, my puppeteers 
or are they? However inseparable
so grand, is this music of life,
its helping me live, let it blare through the mike

Shaken and stirred, was my soul into my limbs
dissolving it thoroughly into all my molecules.
Cameras flash, is this the limelight they talk about
I'm center stage, my heart is scared, but without doubt.

The dance is freely flowing though my body
my feet are heavy with the weight of my bells,
My chest is hollow with its beating heart
this stage and me, don't keep us apart

I found my Faith

The giant leap of Faith, 

I couldn't seem to take yet.

so many missing answers, 

more questions piling in my head.

Religion and Rules defined ways to be

but believer or not, the line wasn't defined for me.

With science and reason, we speak of what is fair

yet, in dark times, we cut deals asking Him to answer our prayers

The stories were all so beautiful,  

the grandeur and the mystic,

sometimes a moral at the ending, 

and sometimes just fantastic ,

but never did they inspire me enough,

to believe in religion, that God had a face,

to believe that spirituality was in the rituals,

and was sufficient to find his Grace,

It was not the face of God that I needed, 

but just some Faith within,

to fight mockery and questions

in the self contradicting times we live in 

In a quest I was, 

searching for reasons to push me towards Him.

For answers to my Why's, 

in every little thing my search would begin.

And so I found a realization, 

an answer within,

a path to make peace with myself; 

A side in me, shall now win.

I found it in the way I moved, 

I found it in the way I felt,

that this dance was going to be the bridge

to my soul, under the carping pelt

beyond the exertion that brought along aches and sweat

my body was feeling delight, paying back to me it's debt

As my face began to unfold with Bhavam

And my body began to sway to the Raagam

As my feet moved to the Taalam,

The strength gave grace to my Natyam

There was a void of nothing-ness I felt within

yet a single dot of concentration grew in

understanding life, its vastness and nuances

telling stories, old, new and magnificent

understanding that I can be so beautiful and strong

and depict white and black as right and wrong

I find myself at the threshold,

of a vast space, a beginning of a day

a long journey it is, a lot to achieve

but now at least I know my way

God lives in a pursuit, and 
a joy with this pursuit, one cannot separate

in it I found what is divine

I found my God, I found my Faith.

My Margam

It is so funny and strange when I think of the times in my childhood, when I used to make excuses to avoid dance classes every evening. After years of sulking, cribbing and adolescent rebelling, I finally conveyed it to my disappointed parents that dancing was not my thing.

However, one day after a few years, by when I had forgotten everything in my dance and I was as good as a layman in this subject, I saw a small dance program in my neighborhood temple. She looked beautiful, charismatic, strong and graceful. And I waited till the end and when the lights went off and people came to congratulate her, her stage persona wore off and she was a normal, free spirited, real-looking young girl. Just like me!

And then I felt, why did I have to let go of that art in the first place? That was my first push, towards realizing the importance and depth of the art.“Without enjoying an art, it no possible to pursue it”- my most valuable self-realized lesson.You can force yourself into education, sport or religious activities. But not art.

A few incidents like these finally pushed me into meeting my old guru and taking this up again. I had to start from scratch but now that I knew its value, I was willing to put everything I had to make up for the lost time. I attended a few arangetrams when I joined back classes. And everything about them excited me. I knew I had a task at hand and that was where I had to reach.It became a motivation after a while. If the world was going to end in 2012, I wanted to do my arangetram and go, I was as silly as that!

But slowly I began thinking beyond the arangetram. I realized that it was a big step for being able to perform further on other platforms. It was a necessity, a test that would determine if I was capable. I attended a few programs of Alarmel Valli, Rama Vaidhyanathan, Shobhana and Ananda Shankar Jayanth. And I found myself being able to point out very precisely the good points and bad points. I was able to make out a good performance from a hyped performance. From all this knowledge, it became an obligation to own conscience that I had to give my program my best shot. No time to be substandard, passed off as a beginner or forgiven for being mediocre. Two hours of my life, that I would spend in front of more than 700 people, all the lights on me, the stage set for me, all the applause for me.. And I could be that beautiful, charismatic, strong and graceful girl... and I could be so much more than just a normal, free spirited, real looking young girl.

However, standing behind the stage wing, waiting for my queue, all this did not dramatically flash by my eyes like in the movies. I was trying to maintain a calm breathing pattern and trying to stand strong on my feet.

But after a while, the stage grew on me. The lights made everyone else invisible and the music help me let go. I could feel the fervor of devotion of a wandering mendicant for his Lord Shiva; I could feel the ecstasy of romance for a Gopika when her Krishna arrives; I could feel the pangs of separation of a nayika when her lord does not remember her and I could feel the life in a frothy, light hearted, quick paced thillana.

The emotions and characters where all bursting out of me, like I was cloud that could finally rain. The slight hesitation and fear that held me back was destroyed too.

Poetry, paints, colors and music were already there in my life. But with dance now, they all seemed to take a more tangible form. Each one of them made more sense for itself and for the others.

Margam, a repertoire of items to do in a program was more than what it literally meant. Margam was a path, that I found to reach greater heights spiritually, emotionally and even physically. But strangely, the way things have unfolded till now in my life, I’d like to believe the Margam found me.

All this made me feel real; yet made me forget reality.